Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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