He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
