new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
