Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
