there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Is it because I queefed?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
