I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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