He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
