she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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