Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Randomize
