Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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