My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
