I wish I could teleport
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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