My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Send help, water and tortillas.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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