ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize