Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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