watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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