My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
