WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize