Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
