"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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