I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
