I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
