Pants 0. Shit 1.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I need to wash the frat house off of me
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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