Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
