i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
