Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
