I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
