I am midnight drunk by noon
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
