VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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