The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
