drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Randomize
