I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
NoShamevember. You game?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
