You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
