Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
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