Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
