im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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