So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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