If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
