dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
