I'd wear matching sweaters with you
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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