I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize