I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
