filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Every concussion has its silver lining
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
