why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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