I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
