see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
