when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize