I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I stole a fireplace last night.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Randomize
