The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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