When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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