I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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