This is not my ceiling
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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