Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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