In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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