were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
