Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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