whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
